By Edward A. Forbes
As a current septuagenarian, I am always on the lookout for new products and ideas to make life easier, and I’m not adverse to making money.
I have had a stroke of what I hope is genius - a bubble-wrap suit to pad and protect from falls and from those sharp objects that seem to shred my unprotected skin. Genius, right?
The suit should have Velcro closures to achieve that desirable form-fitting look.
They should be reasonably priced so you can treat them like disposable diapers when they reach the bubble-popped stage, when they no longer offer protection from those daily perils.
Can’t you just imagine running around the home-place, bumping into those sharp counter-top corners and hearing multiple pops instead of blood oozing out like it’s from partially opened faucet?
Oh, what a relief it is - that pop, pop - marks the fact you are unscathed. The marketing is ideal for the “As Seen On TV” wasteland that is perused by the seniors amongst us. I just hit my head, exiting my vehicle, so we will have an available Option!!
The Huckster begins the spiel:
“Senior Citizens are you tired of inadvertently bumping into every and any thing and getting so tired of those old skin tears and bleeding? You don’t have to suffer anymore!
Now, you can wear the amazing “Stoppa Fall, Stoppa Bruise” suit and be protected in all your daily activities. This amazing suit is easily adjustable to any and all sizes and heights, and it comes with easy Velcro closures.
You don’t have to suffer anymore with those unsightly dark purple ecchymoses! Check your suit at the door at social events and amaze your peers with that clear, unscathed skin on hands and arms!!
And, for just a few dollars more, you can purchase the new hoody model. No more notches on the old noggin from those bumps, scrapes, and of course, the falls, (particularly the face plants).
Buy extras as Christmas gifts for friends and family!!”
(This is accompanied by videos of excited senior citizens ripping open their packages and modeling their “Stoppa Fall, Stoppa Bruise” suit).
And, this is only the beginning. I see a new adventure in mobility aids that have bling for the ladies and a masculine motif for the guys out there.
“Ma’am, where did you get that Tiffany custom walker?” “Say, guy, is that the new all-terrain power-assisted walker great for hunters or moderate hiking?”
With this new beginning, I will no longer have to worry about social security and COLA raises. It’s a brave new world, indeed.
And with a developing artificial intelligence industry, we can resurrect the more famous and successful hucksters long after their expiration date has come and gone!!
Be still my heart and sing a few stanzas of the “anticipation” song.
(Edward Forbes wants to hear from you. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org or send comments by snail mail to The Bulletin, PO Box 2426, Angleton TX. 77516.)